Was I thinking that by confessing all, I’d receive praise and everything would be hunky-dory? Ha! That would be a fine world, and addiction would not be the monster it is. I would not be the monster I am. I’d be far, far worse.
This healing process could not have progressed without the confession of my sins, the anger would come, as would the silence – I knew that, knew it before I started writing this entire blog, before I began my journey back to myself.
Still, today is bittersweet because I have been mailed so many positive messages of support by so many of the people I hurt, and even a resounding motivational from someone I have never met, but who I admire, and have just made contact with on facebook (she’ll know who she is, no gratuitous name dropping by me, that would defeat much!) But from two people who together, account for much of the love I have felt over the years, and who I had hoped (with my eyes shut, and hands squeezed tightly together, prayer-like) I have received alternately silence and the scathing anger. I cannot fault them, it is their right. Is this my instant karma, or is this the payback for sins past?
You know what, though? Another message, from someone who I dragged down into the mire, over the years, is so inspiring, I choose to react on THAT:
“…you are a new creation! You have a new spirit, a new walk, a new life! There may be “old” things in your life that you are trying to get rid of. Maybe you have old habits or addictions that you want to change. Remember today that the new has come. It’s a new year with new opportunities, and it’s time for you to be the new you. Let this be the year that you break old habits and addictions. Let this be the year that you move forward into a new life of victory. Let this be the year that you take hold of all the…blessings…promised — peace, health, protection and victory! Be encouraged today because no matter what is happening in your life right now, you have a chance for a new beginning. Choose today to leave the old behind — old behaviors, old thinking, old words — and embrace the new!…this is your year to experience the new life!
So, I accept the anger, and the loss.
Don, if you’re reading this, I miss you: I ache to hear your voice again, to see you, to know your friendship. I will always love you (oh GREAT – a Whitney moment!), and I am sorry. I feel the burn.
But I choose to live the ‘new’, because I have chosen to live. I really wish you were part of that life, and one day, maybe you will be, again. I pray you will, in time, feel less pain and anger, I pray that you will have the compassion I never did, the forgiveness I need to extol to myself, and we can meet again. (Actually, dammit, I wish you’d just answer the phone – because I’m NOT going to stop calling, I won’t give up on this friendship, like I gave up on myself.)
I’ll wait for you, until the end of time, and I’ll always pick you, for my team, because I’m coming back to life, and it’s going to be one hell of a ride!
I’ll see you in time, my friend.
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