Cris! Where are you? I long for you – need you – need your kind words, and compassion, your complicit understanding of who I am because right now I don’t know who I am.
I miss you. Miss your smile, your jokes, your warm touch, the warmth of your body, though its deepest intimacies were always and will always be held away from me. I miss the sound of your breathing, the look of love that you turn to the boys, that turns colder, when it turns to me…
“We’ll always do drugs together, it’s written in stone.” you said. But I can’t take that with me into my new life, Cris, and I’m sad that I wasn’t strong enough to say so earlier, and before. Because I don’t believe that all that’s left of our friendship and love, is the pain and the drugs. PLEASE! Dear God PLEASE let there be more than that: YOU are worth so much more, to the world, but most selfishly and most importantly, to ME!
Is it wrong to say that YOU are the reason I get up and fight the good fight? Is it wrong to confess my love, undying, for you? Is it wrong to make you the reason I want to be alive? Then let me celebrate that wrongness! Let me be wrong all the days of my life!
Cris, I love you, more than you’ll ever know, more than I will ever be able to love anyone, ever again – not that I am going to even try, that is NOT an option right now. I know you are moving on, without me, and I must do the same, but right now, right here, I wish we were together, again.