We take for granted the little luxuries of freedom, and lightness of spirit, and so complacency, which I wrote about previously, fast becomes the new monster that chases, biting at our heels.
What actions reset the counter, take us back to square one? What thoughts and failings, what drives and desires are those that sweep away all the good work? Do I need to beat myself up about it?
As I write this I am fighting to not glibly fit a neat answer that will make you, the reader, or you, the family member or friend or colleague that has been supporting me, say “Oh shame, at least he’s trying!”
I AM trying, and damned hard, and the stats are against me, in a big way – doesn’t THAT afford me the luxury of slipping now and then? Am I not human? With failings, and weaknesses? Is this whole healing thing about making me perfect, a shining example?
No. This is a progression, towards healing and to expect perfection would be a slap in the face to any God you choose, and a sure bet that I’d fail.
Yes, I am a weak human, who fails, a lot. So much so I’m quite the expert at it, by now.
But I am trying, bit by bit, day by day, to reclaim my spirit, to climb up out of the hole I dug for myself. I don’t expect to slip, I cannot afford that kind of thinking, and I cannot in all honesty expect that I won’t, but I cannot in all honesty accept that I might – so how do you handle it?
Situations arise, that I don’t go seeking out. Moods swing. I have to take part in life, in the business of living, every day. It is in those moments that part of the battle rages, that I must fight tooth and nail to avoid, and if I cannot, then to be strong enough to not take the path I always trod, before.
Wars and battles – is this what my life has become? A litany of destruction and destructive drives, littered with the remnants of reputation, bodies of work rendered worthless by drugs, by empty promises, by good intentions. Is that all that I have to look forward to, acting as chronologist to the entropy of life, such entropy accelerated by my addiction?
Perhaps, to some degree it has become just that – for so long I took the path of least resistance, chose not to choose to live. And now, I’m in the most important fight of all – I’m fighting for my life, and it kills me – ha! ha! – that the biggest enemy I have to face, is me.
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