The next step in the healing is to examine the character defects that allowed addiction, and that enabled me to lie to myself, to the world, about who I was and what I was doing behind closed doors at home, at work and at parties.
I sometimes wonder if we’re really able to lie to ourselves, and if the disgust at the creatures we have become in our addiction drives us further in, seeking shelter from the rage we dole out against ourselves. But I think that makes us sound nobler than we are, as we soar downwards to rock-bottom.
|Me, Steve Briggs and the late Matt Stewardson at the 2008 year-end bash|
By some divine intervention, by some merciless mercy, I have not had a heart-attack on a beach. I am still very much here, though I did make a good attempt in December NOT to be. Seems Heaven doesn’t want me and Hell is afraid I’ll take over – a joke I used for years, that unfortunately holds true, today.
I am forced into what some may see as a personal hell, through sobriety having to examine the past 18 years and consider my sins. I don’t experience this as hell, rather quite the opposite, as I think “FUUUUCK! I survived THAT and still, my fortune has turned, I am a free man, in all aspects, I have a good job, a loving family, and am rebuilding my life! THIS is HEAVEN!” These days, I quickly attach clauses of humility and debasement of arrogance, by way of insurance.
Currently I have to examine the defects of character that caused or aided my addiction. Dishonesty was a problem. Actually, that TOO is a lie. I had NO problem with dishonesty, and could run a deep and meaningful tract of dishonesty out into the world before 8am, without batting an eyelid. The problem was honesty. I eschewed honesty in favour of its ugly step-sister. HER I could deal with; SHE I became bedfellow to. WE became ONE. At some point I became the lies, which became me.
So in this journey, right now, I am going through my Facebook photos – a shameless self-promoter like me has a thousand pics of myself, just on Facebook alone, and there are those, like the one up on the left, that reek of dishonesty. If you’re following me on Facebook, you’ll see them popping up over the next short while, with the TRUTH UPDATE tags.
Why? Warning? Confession? Both. Both are good for my soul, and it needs all the help it can get, at the moment.
Good thing I’m so good at punting my needs.
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