|All we have is ‘now’. All we’ll ever have, is ‘now’.|
Today I felt an unbelievable urge to strike out, and make a scene. Today I felt maligned, and hurt. Today I said it didn’t matter, because it really didn’t.
Today I let the pain wash away because I am bigger than that, and it was really what I had wanted, I suppose. I’d quietly moved away from some people whose self-destructive life style was hurting them, and hurting me. Today it was apparent they’d got the hint, when I became aware that I’d not been invited, I suddenly felt that I’d made a mistake: I’d been rash – I wanted to play, wanted to take part, wanted to be loved, wanted to be included.
Sean and Bernita have mentioned it before: F.O.M.O. – Fear Of Missing Out. Yup. THIS one is large, with me, and because of this fear of being excluded, I have often made the wrong decision, tried to buy friends, tried to be the jester – the joker – the life of the party. I am slowly learning that I am NOT missing out, or … maybe I am, but what I am missing out on is not what I want for my life, and the price of being included is too high, and when it comes down to the crunch, I will not be able to rely on those ‘friends’.
Because, essentially, they are friendly, and, I believe, lonely – so they include one, because they feel compassionate to the condition, but not to the human. They feel the pain of my loneliness, echoed in their own loneliness, but they do not care about the human and the drives, that I am and that I have. They are friendly, but they are not friends.
I need to be able to distinguish who my true friends are. They are few, in comparison to the vast hordes of acquaintances I have, but they are legion, to me, and legend.
Like the one who stepped up, after 25 years, to engage me, in my healing. Like the one who stuck her neck out and declared her spirituality, and welcomed me in to the circle of grace. Like the one who silently cheered from the sidelines. Like the one who made space for me in her home, when I was falling apart. Like the ones who have let me stay on, while I sort my shit out.
My sensitivities will always be with me – I am a heart on a sleeve, me, I feel and engage and inspire and am inspired! I am ALIVE and I have emotion and I have love and I have life and I have spirit – and I hate it when I am dismissed from the attention of those around me. And that will never change, because I am worth knowing, I am worth loving, and I am worth having as a friend, as a lover, as a partner. I have a brain, and an intellect and an opinion and an education and a mind and a soul, and these are not just negated by your whims – that hurts, dammit, it hurts a lot.
But I won’t strike out, much as I’d like to. I won’t build a callous in the crystalline smoke or the powdery lines, I won’t dismiss you in my addiction. You are human too, and I engage with you because you are HERE, you are NOW, and in this place, no matter your station or your start, we share, we are equal, we are human, we are life, we are together.
Now. It’s all we’ll ever have, and it’s abundant, and ever-present, and I need it. Oh, GOD I need it!
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