I’ve tried to keep civil, and I think I have succeeded. Tonight, or rather, this morning, I came to post my Day #38 picture on my CleanDaze spot, after bemoaning the writer’s block I’m suffering in writing a song.
I opened the floodgate, as it were, and all the anger at Cris that has been building came flooding out. So much. No, not so much, not even a tip of the ice berg. I said some things that were probably designed as much to cut and to hurt as to tell him how I feel. I didn’t post it. They’ll be stored, in draft form, on this blog, I won’t publish them, but I need to keep them to remind me that as much as I was the Devil in my own downfall, Cris was no angel.
There will be no public slanging of Cris, like his wife (unfairly?) did. He’s not worth it. I am worth so much more than a cyber-rant at an emotional con-man. He’ll never know the words I wanted to say, we’ll never meet in this life, again.
I needed to unplug that volcano, to let the anger out, to let the flood out, I realise – I think I realise that I don’t need him to hear the words, I just need to say them.
Damn. That felt…empty? Not good. Putting the words out there, that means I have to admit he took advantage, I have to admit my own blind weakness that allowed myself to be taken advantage of.
I won’t build a callous over this pain, I will heal it, instead, no matter how much it hurts. He took 15 years, and wasted my friendship, my love. I’ve got so many more to give, to someone worth it. Cris, you can have those 15 years with my love, because YOU will never diminish that, EVER!
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