There are days when I wonder if this public account of my healing is the right thing to do. Yesterday, I wrote about the phenomenal response I received after I posted a pic of my paltry possessions packed in the back of the car; then later, as I tried to write the words for my song, once again, I went blank. Subsequently, after having given up and moved onto another project, I let rip with a tirade of abuse at Cris, in a post I didn’t publish.
It left me raw, and emotional, this morning. It made me think how much I’d rather be in Cris’ position, or the position he was in when last we spoke, and it’s this: life’s crap, but it’s not my fault, ergo I cannot take responsibility because I didn’t do this to me, someone else did. Therefore, I can just lie here and wallow in sadness, loss and depression, and sink deeper into regret, debt and addiction.
But I have been called to action, and not willingly, at first, mind! I had to lose everything and be thrown out onto the street, after being beaten several times, before I took stock, and then slowly at first, but with gathering momentum, took acountability.
I have hard days. I have bad days. I have days where I have to face the loss and the destruction, and I have no armour against the pain, no escape from the littany of mistakes I made, the lies I told, the choices I made.
But then I have days like today, where I start off the day in pain, questioning my journey, and then I receive an email, or someone will come and talk to me at the office, or send me a text message, and they will tell me, like S up in the Congo did, today, that my story has touched them, that my story inspires them and they are taking their own healing from mine, from my revelations and they are changing their lives. When they tell me that, when I hear that I am not alone, that there are other people who feel, like I feel; who did what I did but by the grace of God didn’t have to get to rock bottom, when we connect and we share and we know, that right here, right now, what we’re doing, is rebuilding our lives, and we’re putting life back together, brick by brick, the right way, then I know, I KNOW that what I am doing, by telling my story, here, in public, confessing my sins and recounting the steps I take to a new, more valid existence, is the right thing.
I am doing the right thing. I have to believe it.
And I do.
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