Journey. It’s such a simple word. Only seven letters, in two syllables, yet it represents so much in those seven letters and two syllables. It denotes change, and not just in location – that is but the most simple and superficial of its meanings.
A journey is a set of plans, in action. Journey is a change in mindset. The journeys taken, lead back to the past, and forward, to the future. The journey I am on, is from many places and ideas, to many different places and new ideas:
I am leaving the old me, and moving towards the new me;
I am going back to my former self, before the drugs;
I am coming back to life, and sobriety and
I am moving towards a new future and a new life, one more worthy than the old one…?
In truth they are one and the same life, of course, and this new “life” and new “me” I talk about so often are no different to the old me and the old life, except that they exist at different points in the linear concept of time, and my existence.
The journey is a linear one, time-wise, with lessons learnt being the time machine, powered by memories, that take me back to the terrible addicition and drug hell I created, back to the years before I started taking drugs. In this universe, there is only one ‘me’ and as I am not God, I cannot create a new ‘me’ anymore than I can make those terrible years and the terrible things I did on drugs un-happen.
But I can make them worthwhile, and I can realise that this was the plan all along: this reality, now, is my manifest destiny. Mas’ud Parker sings “Destiny you do not seek, You live it as we speak” and this really underlines the idea that is taking firm grip of my mind that I had to go through all these years of addictive, self-destructive hell to come to the point where i am today; that very much as we like to think we are masters of our own destiny, we are not. We merely are masters of our own reactions within the destiny that we form part of, that we create as we live each day.
I know this path was chosen for me, before I was born. This has always been my path, will always have been my path, and I am only now, at age 38 coming to understand that.
I have always felt powerless, before the drugs, useless in my own insecurity, powerless to change, powerful only in my own downfall, and continued love affair with chemicals and the wonderfully emotional numbness they brought, along with paranoia and lust, with digression and distraction in a sea of sweeping, dead emotions and bright, fake colours.
Truth is I was never powerless, it took a lot of power constantly searching out and buying drugs, it took a lot of power hiding the extent of the addiction and how much it cost, it took a lot of power getting over all the friendships ruined over the years, and the hell I put my family through. So I have many years’ practice in honing my power, I have just found something good to use them for: healing, healing the relationships I damaged or destroyed though the years and and telling my story.
The fact that I chose this path, for me, before I was born, is a truth that only I will understand, along with with my sister Lynn. I mention it for you, here, so that you can appreciate my mentality in my current state, as I exercise and test out the power I have had all along, guiding myself along this journey, from my life, to my life.
© Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.