Snapshot of An Addicted Mind

I am finding that as I shoe-horn more and more time between the days I was a drooling, sick meth head, and myself today, I am becoming more and more expressive, far more creative than I have been in years – but that doesn’t mean that I was dry, during the years of addiciton.

Posts on my poetry blog are a stark insight into my most raw emotions, that could not be summed up in prose, but which danced frenetically, instead, in poetry.

This one, which is a free verse summation of my last night in London, captures the broken strands of my mind, and the disjointed river of personal experience, and the deep self-loathing I felt as a drug addict, living a double life:

you know those times after a good party when you’re on your way home but things just don’t focus, so you pour all your energy into focusing on the salient points that will guide you home and get you there safely because that’s the only way you’ll manage the only way you’ll see yourself safely home although safely is subjective so really just as long as you make it through the front door whatever happens after that is just fine this was one of those all I could see was the train board saying all trains go to brixton brixton where’s that is it close is it in the right direction can I get home oh god let me sleep

I wrote that after a night out, clubbing on ecstasy and cocaine; I passed out on the bench, waiting for the morning trains, and someone took my photo using my camera, and put that camera back in my pocket. Still, despite the horrific image of a drug addict passed out on a bench at 5am on a Tuesday morning, I sank even deeper into my addiction.

This next poem celebrated – indeed – made mockery in that celebration – of my cocaine addiction:

one little line defined
one tiny life – a line
too far yet still I’m
here to watch my
fine time come
once more
here
now
ever
more the
last thing we need
the first thing – greed
for more, time, more
lines on which to write
our past present future
here now in this one tiny
life by lines defined.
Surrendered.
As the reader travels through my poetry blog’s 113 poems, ignoring the one or two paeans to love, or the few lyrical jousts for the love of words, you get a very accurate sense of the emotion in an addicted mind, of the self-loathing, of the lies-to-self that wallow just below the surface. And I dislayed it all there, for the world to see.
It was not an outward cry for help, it was an expression of my dissociation from myself. And even though I wrote those, and read them, regularly, it is only now that I can see them for what they are – pieces of me, lying on the ground, and I am slowly putting these pieces together to form a picture of who I was, and what, and who I am, and what I will become.
This person in the image is me, but he is dead – I am no longer that slave to meth – slave to myself.  I am free, but not out of danger – the cravings still come, and come hard. But now I know I am not alone, and I know I am not weak, and I know I am fearless in this journey.
The only one who can beat me down, is me, and that version of me is dead.
© healing.me 2012. All rights Reserved.

5 Comments

  1. You can't reform your old man, that thing has to go, and the only way, is by dying with Jesus on the cross. The only true life, freedom from sin (which doing drugs etc. is), is to be raised with Him. When we in faith give ourselves to Him, we share in his death, our old sinful man dies with him, and we get new life, being resurrected with Him. That's the only way out of misery temporal and eternal.You can't reform, you have to die and be resurrected, reborn, and Jesus was given by God to us sinners for that very purpose. He's the only one who's ever beaten sin, and by faith we can share in that and live forever.Rom 6:5 For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection: Rom 6:6 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. Rom 6:7 For he that is dead is freed from sin. Rom 6:8 Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him: Rom 6:9 Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him. Rom 6:10 For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God. Rom 6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Rom 6:12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Rom 6:13 Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. Rom 6:14 For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.

  2. After reading your recent blogs, I needed to know more about this addiction you refer to, this sobriety, the struggle of self…

    I don’t know what you are going through, I have no idea what it is like, but I understand that it is probably one of lives greatest challenges, this sobriety…I lived with my drug addicted brother and I wrote about my experience here http://chevslife.com/2014/09/07/the-ugly-face-of-drug-addiction/.

    I’ve watched my brother gradually become the responsible young man he is today. Your blog has made me realised, just how significant a change he has made in his life, on his own , the will to say no, especially when things get tough…
    A friend of mine also lost her life to her addiction, she was young, in her early thirties – she left behind, four young daughters in Ireland.

    I’m not sure how long you have been on this journey of sobriety, but want you to know that I respect this enourmous step you’ve taken and have great admiration for the way you express yourself through your words. Allowing me some insight into your struggles, making me question my own response to my brother’s challenges that he may face today, living a life of sobriety…Thank you!

    1. Thank you for sharing that post. You have dealt with the ravages of addiction through your brother, so you really comprehend this journey, from the family perspective. Really proud of your brother for reclaiming his life. That is no mean feat.
      I was an active addict for 18 years, mainly cocaine but it was the last two years when I moved onto crystal meth that I finally hit my rock bottom, and asked for help. That was January 2012. It was a shaky start, and I fell off the wagon. I carried on telling my story through my blog and on April 16, I will celebrate 3 years of sobriety.
      Most days are good. Many days pass without thoughts of those years and the cravings.
      My first post I wrote about my addiction is this: https://bloggsymalone.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/the-first-step-2/

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