Day #130 – A Vision, Clear As Day, Projects Onto My Lens

A brace of tools, a gaggle of clean days…celebrate the wins!

Thursday
2012/08/23

I’ve made it through 130 days of sobriety. I have taken it day by day – sometimes hour by hour – and reached this milestone. In the photo above, you’ll see – just behind the larger Android device – a small sheet of paper, pinned to my PC monitor. This is my vision board. On it are listed a number of achievements, milestones and ‘things’ I want back in my life. An amazingly simple tool, yet on it are things like my driver’s licence, specs, a car, 100 days of clean living…all of these have been achieved. You must know where you want to go, for it to happen, and for it to happen with any sort of meaning.

Back in the heady days of drugged-out half-life, there was a beautiful track I used to listen to – still do, sometimes – the words are achingly beautiful, painful, resonant with the loneliness a junkie feels in their soul. I was that junkie – her words were my reality – this is how it is, when you’re wired, alone, in the dark, fighting off the conscience that guides the better you, while you yourself do everything in your power to destroy yourself.

The silence is a killer, you hear only the lies you’ve told, the awfulness of not-being, the broken promises of the potential you wasted…but as you work through your shit, as you climb out the hole, you’ll find – at last – the light, the peace and the serenity in that silence.

The words below used to be such pain for me, I saw only pain in them, could only resonate with the damage they spoke of – now, I see the complete picture:

Shhh! – Oneiro

It’s quiet now
And as I think my thoughts alone
I try to keep my head straight
But I think I’m too far gone
For in the silence
A truth rings even louder
A constant grinding, begging recognition of its power
Through its eyes I take the trip,
Destiny: the place
Of pain and pleasure absolute,
where sorrow has a face
A place of time, where spirit,
asked to stand and hold its ground,
has lost its equilibrium
and is slowly sinking down.
Down into the darkness
that the lack of will affords.
Down into the shadows,
past the junkies, past the whores.
Down into the mire,
suffocating all that lives
But if I say I care, I lie,
for I have no more left to give
Well I s’pose a hand would help.
Oh yeah there’s no-one here.
Guess that’s what I wanted.
Once again my greatest fear –
I just longed to hear a bird’s song
Just to let me know there’s light,
but as we all know
a songbird never sings its song at night.
But it’s quiet now.
A thought, a subtle image,
comes creeping round again.
A vision, clear as day
projects onto my lens.
If my little heart pounds in hope
for once all hope’s not lost,
but even as I try I find
the truth demands a cost
exacted from my soul,
my only means of recompense,
taken as a toll –
for even knowledge charges rent –
removed from me without consent.
I’m now a hole to fill,
compounded by the fact
that I hear the grinding still.
The darkness, sure and silent,
grows fast beyond my reach.
A ray of light has not a chance –
the shadows can’t be breached.
A fight ensues: and all is waged,
until the end has come.
A battle, to the death
pits the father against his son.
But now I ask the guide,
of this my final fate
as I’m lead into the sound,
I hear the closing of the gate.
The silence I once feared,
at last my final end.
The silence I once hated,
has become my only friend .
Again.
It’s quiet now.
 
(c) Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.
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