Day #131 – Spoil Yourself

A night out in Cape Town, but not at the expense of my responsibilities – this brings more and better rewards.

Friday
2012/08/24

In my past life, I would constantly reward myself for actions, efforts, tasks, milestones with drugs. Went to work today? Well done, YOU – have a gram of coke! Helped Cris with something? Well done, YOU – have a gram of meth! The tasks were just daily living, and didn’t need reward, but in my head, I think I despised who I was so much, and didn’t have belief in the power of who I could be, to such a degree, that to feel good, I paid myself to be ‘normal’ – and with each payment, became less so.

Now, of course, I put in the effort to recover from a life of addiction; a double life, of lies – these are good days and I can reward myself for the efforts. The rewards I pay myself are infrequent, and sometimes, deeply indulgent – but they are rewards for achieving the normality I sought for so long – to fit in, not with everybody else, but with my own ideas of what success means.

Today I shelled out a large amount of money, in payment for my car. I know my family (and others!) are worried that I’ll do a ‘runner’ on the monthly payments. It is important to them that I don’t let the old ways surface, and cause a problem with debt; it is important to me to prove the nay-sayers wrong.

Time to dip in the pool of rewards.

© Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.

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