In years past, I believed I had crossed swords with many people. This is part of the psychosis and paranoia and insecurity of being a drug-addled me.
An epiphany tonight, in conversation via email, reveals to me that in two instances, my foe and I did not have crossed swords, we had locked shields – that is, we fought each other in the mistaken belief each had it in for the other, when in fact we were both being played for the fools we were.
No rights to and no attempts, now, to play the victim – I am NOT a victim, nor was I ever, except at my own hand: I was victim to my excesses and my love of drugs, I was victim to the love for someone who himself was a victim of his own issues – and by the grace of God he will find his own peace and healing, this story is not about him – and you know what? It NEVER really was.
Step four of my programme progresses – neither slowly, nor too fast – but as it should be – and thanks to God that it has – at exactly the right time – brought back interactions that I need, to understand who I am, and how I harmed people in the past. It progresses by revealing to me why I reacted as I did when I was used, and hurt, for money, for drugs, for favour – given promise of a love that never was, by a man who was just a façade. I used him, to stave off real relationships, and as a focal point for my addictions.
We were sick, co-dependent addicts. No, wait – it is not my place to label him an addict – who am I to say that is what he was or is? I am an addict, our behaviours and relationship enabled and fueled this mad dash from the heights of humanity to the point of rock-bottom, where thank GOD he threw me out.
To the two people I fought so long, in the belief I was seen as the enemy, I owe compassion, and humility and healing. They owe me nothing, and I expect nothing in return.
It is true what they say – in periods of turmoil, we experience the most growth, the most compassion for our condition, and the most urgent drive to change for the better.
This, always, by the grace of God.
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