So many songs are written about this moment. So many poems, stories, blogs. So many movies, TV shows, books, posters, cards and bumper stickers – you’d think it would be easy to do – simply hack into the message of any one of these mediums on this subject, cut and paste into your own life, and move on.
But that is a little cold, callous, shallow and fake.
I tried to make room for Cris. I had a long conversation with him on the phone a couple of weeks ago, explaining my thoughts, thinking I could still see him in December, and that eventually, we could work things out. I dismissed the emails of his ex, who labelled him a sociopath, as the damage still rolling on in her life, despite her claims to the contrary. We were ALL damaged in the situation, and we had our own personal agendas, we exercised them, to the cost of each other, in the situation.
In my phone conversation with Cris, I confessed. I confessed that I had used money and drugs and favour to buy his friendship, to buy his love, to try and buy his body. I treated him like a whore. Every day now, I fight to never treat another human being like that ever again.
Of course, my family has a different view, but they would – it’s what we do in our family: we stand up for each other, protect each other, against the harm from any outsiders. Painfully, some of my family will admit that I had a role in the toxic relationship, and the subsequent breakdown of my life.
The truth is, everything that happened to me, happened by my own hand, or my allowing it to happen at the hand of another person. My own selfishness hurt Cris and his wife, and it all came crashing down. I had to heal. I had to find myself – such a glib, hippie statement, but so true.
And so it began. I have found myself, and I’ve even started to like myself. I have done what Cris begged me to do, more than a year ago: I have taken the actions and made the words valid. I’ve changed. I’ve moved on. I have started to heal.
I have started to respect myself.
And there’s the rub: the old me would be ecstatic to have Cris back in my life, and to make like nothing had gone wrong. The new me cannot accept that. The new me still loves Cris very much, and the new me – ME – that is – well, I love him, I love him enough to know what we shared had become very toxic, and that for my healing to progress, I cannot even offer him friendship, for reasons, that I told him in a very detailed and sad email I had to send him.
I have changed, Cris, and we cannot be friends right now. It’s not me, it’s you – and I have no right to demand that you change, or even to merely request it. But right now, as you are – you represent too much danger to me, and my healing.
I WILL see you, though, in time – this lifetime, or the next.
This time, I am not running away, or being thrown out. This time, I am walking away.
© Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.