Day #232 – Counting Daze

Prisoner of my own making.
Prisoner of my own making.

Sunday

2012/12/02

Like a prisoner counting the locking out of his freedom, so I mark out the days I fight to keep clean. Most days doing the tally feels good – I feel good knowing that with each passing hour the grip my addiction has on me loses more and more power. Some days – like today, when I have been cooped up with some bug that has me trapped in the bedroom, I cannot find the will to feel pride in counting how many bloody days I have managed not to take drugs. When I am all alone in my room, with my thoughts I think “Why the hell shouldn’t I take drugs? Who will know? Where are all the people now, who say they care, when I am all alone? What does it matter to them if I smoke a bit of meth – snort a hit of coke? Who the fuck are they to dictate how I live my life?”

These thoughts are poison. This poison lead me down the rabbit hole for many years. Selfish thoughts. A foolish belief I was not accountable to anyone, yet they dictated my whims even though they weren’t present – weren’t there in the dark, and the boredom. I could feel their disapproval, feel their sadness, their disappointment. But there was something worse…

…knowing for the most part that they were busy with their own lives, and weren’t focused on me or my self-imposed insecurities and aspersions and critiques. They were busy getting on with living, while I stagnated in a cesspool of sex and drug addiction. Like I didn’t matter. Like I didn’t exist.

You can’t wait for the people to come to you, you have to go to the people.

I am so alone.

© Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.

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8 thoughts on “Day #232 – Counting Daze

  1. You are never alone mate… Just remember that. Also, don’t stay off the drugs for others, stay off them for YOU. Easy for me to say I know…

    1. It is that pivot, in thinking, that often is the pitfall…the minute you forget the journey is first and foremost about YOU, you threaten its success…and then the damage becomes so much more and impacts so many, and suddenly, it is no longer *just* about you…

  2. Hey Dave,

    I’m grateful that I’ve found your blog on your journey to recovery. Can totally relate to all that you go through, as I was also stuck in those grips of drug addiction. Been clean for just over 11 months now.

    I read this today, and just feel to share it with you;

    >>
    A person addicted to cigarettes wanting to quit, shared this insight. He said, “In the past I viewed myself as a ‘Smoker’ who “could not” smoke. I was miserable. I wanted to smoke. Every day I had to gut it out and try not to smoke. I couldn’t be who I was, a smoker. Every time I used that approach I failed at quitting smoking. Now I see myself as a ‘Non-smoker’ who has an occasional craving to smoke. This new view has made the struggle 100% easier. I have a new definition of myself. Now, I just manage an occasional temptation.”
    >>

    Gave me alot of revelation. I hope that it does the same to you.

    Be blessed brother.

    1. Hey Anastasios! Thank you for the posting, and the words of inspiration! But moreso – congrats on your journey and being clean for 11 months. That’s epic stuff, as we both know the paradigm shift in thinking that had to happen to get us to this point! Keep on winning, brother!

      1. Thanks Dave! It was a massive shift of thinking indeed. Huge congrats on your road of victory too my fellow warrior. Keep sharing the light. Like they say, use it or lose it, and it was those times where I stopped sharing that I started falling. Blessings brother!

  3. hey dude, i don’t know you and after you commented on mu blog i came to check your out and this is the only one i have read so far, but 232 days! That’s insane man [in a good way] and much kudos to you… if you have a bible, check out my favourite psalm – 34 – sometime – esp vs 18 ‘the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” can’t get much lower than either of those two places [and i imagine you have trolled those depths] but even there God is present and He is cheering you on and pouring His Love out on you – you have to know that… i am very inspired by this new journey you are on so just wanted to take a moment to say keep on!

    1. Hey Brett! Thank you for the comment, the kind words, and the inspiration. Trolled those depths for many years, on and off, and the BEST part of my journey now, is the revelation that in those most darkest hours, and those times when I believed I was so alone, that actually, God was right there with me, keeping pace of my racing mind and my searching soul. I still have a long road to walk back good standing in the community, but the return to God’s side is now, and ongoing! Very humbled by your taking time to post! Thank you!

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