The first day is nearly done, and it has been quite unlike anything I have done on the 1st of January, in the preceding 18 years. By 22:40, the time I am writing this tonight, in previous years, I’d have been passed out already, because the 31st of December was THE biggie, in my junkie calendar. It would be a night of stupid amounts of ecstasy, LSD, cocaine and in later years, meth and sex toys, and I (and who ever was partying with me at the time) would push on through to as far as we could make it in the first, without actually dying. Invariably, we’d pass out from dehydration and exhaustion, to sleep in fitful starts, with kicks and tics as the body tried desperately to find moisture, minerals and rest where it could. You know, it’s quite clear that the last 18 years’ New Year’s celebrations were unwitting and foolish suicide attempts – not that I actually wanted to die – with the exception of 2011, of course – but truthfully, New Year’s Eve parties were only limited by the availability of cash and drugs. If I could get them, I would take them. Thank GOD I survived my foolishness.
Look, let’s be honest – I really enjoyed those parties – I need to set the record straight about most of the drug binges, at some point, soon, and I will, because if you’re reading this it is only fair that you understand that for the most part, the 18 years I spent as an active addict, I enjoyed. It wasn’t all hell, but it DID result in hell, oh yes!
So, 1 January 2013, I have busied myself with laundry, and dishes, and cleaning, and writing. Domesticity and creativity. Who knew the two could operate in tandem? I jokingly said to James earlier that I was afraid I had become my mother! But of course, that would be an incredible achievement, because she was an amazing woman, and I think I let her down, quite often and quite badly, over the years.
2013 is all about making good, then. I am almost finished my step 4, from the Narcotics Anonymous programme, and have a keener understanding of the last 18 years – well of the last 38 years, really – and what needs to happen to make the rest of my life productive, and ensure the 18 years in active addiction actually mean something GOOD, through my healing and my sharing, here.
I’m not so big on resolutions – in 1997 the resolution from January 2 was to take no drugs. I managed all the way to January 31, and celebrated, with a gram of cocaine. So…no more resolutions, not only because of that one year, but mostly because each year, the list of broken resolutions everyone talks about is an absolute farce. 2013 is kicking off with a vision board – ironic – because I am in my second week of near-paralysing* eye infection and I actually LOOK like the monster I was, while an addict.
My vision board will dictate the things I WILL achieve in 2013. And the first thing that is on the board, is a huge big smile, because these posts are about my healing, and the joy I get out of that, and not the moping, dreary, pity-parties that they can so easily become.
Slap a smile on your face, and be over-the-moon-giddy-with-delight that you are alive. Because I am. And that’s OK!
*OK, I may be exaggerating here…it’s not near-paralysing, but it bloody painful!
© Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.