Mariska’s birthday, at The Big Easy, in Stellenbosch, was a wonderful sunset affair, and the birthday girl was surrounded by a plethora of friends and colleagues. I know she must have been worried in case I opened my big mouth and told another crude story, another lewd joke, so I made the effort to not offend her or her friends with my vicious word play – and I was rewarded when Captain Pete did the dirty joke telling for me!
But it got me thinking about how often I’ve played the fool, come the jester – to get a few laughs, to get the (feigned dis)approval – so many times over the years I’ve promised myself that I won’t steal the spotlight, won’t erupt in a string of filthy jokes and one-liners. I used to love the attention that behaviour got me, still do – but I see it for what it is now – fleeting, shallow, applause for the façade – and it hurts. Yet I still do it. Rather let them laugh at who they think I am, then let them in and laugh at who I really am…the insecurities are rife. Drugs killed that. Drugs meant I didn’t give a fuck what you thought. Or at least, I tried not to give a fuck…didn’t always work…so more drugs were called for…and so it went.
But this evening, I moderated my selfish needs, and shared stories; cajoled some out of Captain Pete, as he worried about getting home in time to not make his wife angry. I had a good time. They’re good people, Pete and Mariska. And spending time with them in a real-life social setting..yes…I want more of this, and I am prepared to surrender the spotlight, to get it.
© Dave Luis 2013. All Rights Reserved.