As I said on Wednesday, my ninth clean month milestone came and went with none of the fanfare that marked my 101 days or 6th month milestones.
I guess as the milestones increase, both in number and importance for me, they will fade for the rest of the world (or the world that I interact with.) It’s not mandatory for everyone else to note my milestones, but it was nice.
From hereon out, it’s just you and me, buddy – “you” being whoever is reading this blog, and if there’s no one out there, then it’s just me.
Oom Jan’s words surface again. Oom Jan was the chairperson of the very first meeting I went to, in March, 2012. He said “The true test of a recovering addict’s character is shown when he is alone, without anyone watching.”
Without all the fanfare, without all loud cheering from the side lines, I have only myself to answer for, can only look to myself for that affirmation when I hit a year, two – five years – then ten.
The time spent as an active addict was an era of selfishness; I looked only to myself for the highs, the fun, the party – didn’t give a damn about the cost financially, emotionally or ethically – to myself or anyone else.
The life I look forward to, silently marking out the milestones, here on the blog, will be an era of self-reliance and accountability. It can be. It has to be.
I often think about the time in the not-too-distant future, when I have stopped writing my blog, when the rest of the world has signed me off as ‘complete, and cured’ and I am all alone – who will know if I have just one hit? Who will see me if I get high, when no one is around to see? Two people, at the very least. Three, if you count the dealer.
That’s me, and my higher power, and we have a pact: I am never alone, as long as I have my higher power in mind, and I never have to worry about falling prey to drugs again.
To the rest of the world, it looks like it comes down to just me: only I will know. That’s right I – ME – WILL KNOW. And that’s a great start. Because although I am a great liar, especially to myself, I have found there are some things I cannot lie about, cannot hide from myself, anymore; the terrible weight of knowing I fell off the wagon happened once already, and it’s not a burden I ever care to carry again.
So, dear reader – if you’d be so kind – leave a word of support, a message of encouragement. Then I will know that it’s not just me, doing this journey – oh, I can if I do it alone, if I have to – but I prefer to have you by my side, step by step, day by day.
Let’s make this victory over meth OURS, not just mine.
© Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.