If we accept that isolation is an enemy, then reaching out, making contact, engaging with, being interested in, having concern for the people in your life – whether friend, colleague or someone from your past, is a way to beat down that enemy. When you’re an extrovert like me, solitude poisons the mind, saps the life out of your soul. The change then, is all about the connection.
It’s the tweet, from your old mentor, because the subject he shared is a connection you both have in this life.
It’s the phone call to James at Singita, to hear if he’s been affected by the flooding in the area.
It’s the chat with George at Dongola, to let him know you’re proud of him and Lara, helping the flood victims.
It’s the Whatsapp message to your sponsor, to let them know you’re busy, but working the programme.
It’s the message to your sponsee, to connect, and let him know you’re there, to hear him offer his ear in return.
It’s the video conference with family in Dubai, because you miss them.
It’s the joke you shared with Cris, because the joke is something so specific to the two of you…wait…what? I thought it was over. Well, yes it is.
You know, despite everything that went wrong between us, Cris and I still had some really great years, as friends. At the end of last year, when he contacted me again, I had to end it after a couple of weeks, because I was not ready to engage with him again. He took it with a quiet dignity that was a huge lesson to me, because I was expecting him to be angry, and to be honest, I was expecting a vicious attack, that never came. He has been on my mind a lot lately. So let’s get this sorted, and out there – because I think I need to say it as much as you need to read it, so we can both understand that I am not going back on my word, I am going forward on my promise of healing.
My promise to myself – and beyond that, to my family, friends and most importantly to my higher power – is to heal; to make amends and to build a new life.
I owe Cris nothing, and he owes me the same. I can make no demands of him, and of his life, but I can make my life so much better, that he can want to be part of it again. Cris is no longer – nor will he ever be again – my whole world. But he can be part of it, and I can be part of his life.
If forgiveness, and compassion – are not part of this journey – then what’s the point?
I’ve not phoned him, but I have sent Cris a couple of emails, with info that he could use, and one that was a joke. Nothing more, and nothing was expected, other than he receives my emails. He’s replied to them all, we’re both very civil, and obviously very guarded. We want to protect what we’ve got, from each other – there is a fear based on the very real danger of going down the rabbit hole again – we have both been hurt badly by what happened at the end of 2011. It wasn’t a game. My addiction nearly killed me, and very nearly destroyed his life. He is no angel and had his own part to play, but this is not about that, this is about my healing, and coming back to life…
…and reaching out, to make the connection and say “Hey. We fucked up. I’ve started over, and I’d like to share some of that glory, with you.”
Forgiveness. It’s a powerful thing, when you are able to forgive yourself for what you did to other people.
© Dave Luis 2013. All Rights Reserved.
(image © Joy of Dad on Facebook)