Day #285 – Putting It All Out There

What's the opposite of a 'Dear John' letter?
What’s the opposite of a ‘Dear John’ letter?

Thursday

2013/01/24

I forgive myself. It has been a hell of a long road, emotionally, to get to this point. I forgive myself for the things I did, that cost me so much, that hurt my family so much. Forgiveness doesn’t make it all better – but it’s the foundation on which the healing is built.

In a long email, I put it all out there, to Cris – how I just wasn’t ready to engage with him last year, until I’d completed my Step 4 in the Narcotics Anonymous programme, and how I now understood why I couldn’t be angry with him, couldn’t castigate him, and hold a grudge. It was all too much mental effort to do so. We have shared too much that is good, and to let that go, and be destroyed forever, by the addiction, would be a travesty.

This journey is about forgiveness, and healing. I put it out there, to the universe, that I want my friend back – not the drugs, the addiction or the money issues – just my friend. That’s all I need.

Let’s wait and see. If he accepts, what an epic win. If not, then I have lost nothing by putting it out there – I am on a journey to win back my life, and have survived far worse, before.

© Dave Luis 2013. All Rights Reserved.

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2 thoughts on “Day #285 – Putting It All Out There

  1. Dave, this is such an important step! One can side step, jinx that way, shimmy here, jump there, but this, this is truly the beginning of a new life. It is also a HUGE step, and not to taken lightly; tread carefully, with consideration. Stay in the moment, don’t let anything escape you. I rejoice when I see how you are just progressing week after week! Keep it up. Well done. Extremely well done.

    1. Thanks, Susan! It’s a very scary step – I leave myself open to rejection and criticism, from Cris, and criticism from friends and family who (beautiful things that they are) very firmly wear the Team Dave shirts. It’s up to me now to let them know that yes, yes, very much I still want them to wear ‘Team Dave’ and proudly, but also to allow for the journey and the healing to evolve, for the forgiveness to flow right across the whole spectrum – that involved Cris and his ex-wife, and everyone else who may have wronged me in the past. It’s the only way I can disarm the addiction, because as long as I hide from these feelings, I empower the addiction, and give it a reason to carry on living. I go into this knowing that I am also further along in my journey than some of the others, and that means I must be extra careful with how I handle them, and with the responsibility I put on them. But I am SO over the moon about reaching this point, where I feel strong enough to do this, to make myself vulnerable, knowing I will also be strong enough to take care of it if I am rejected.

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