Day #288 – Serendipity

Sunday

2013/01/27

I have been in long discussions with my sister, and with Cris and with friends, about the topic of forgiveness. One of the people I have had to learn to forgive, was Cris’ wife.

She mailed me late last year, wanting to know what she had done to make me so angry with her. I was a little taken aback, because the event that made me so mad, was not something you so easily forget, yet, here she was, purporting to be wholly shocked and surprised.

We started up an email correspondence, because my intention was to heal, and to understand what she had done, and why; and why I had to be dragged into the whole sordid pack of lies. I also had to face the fact that I had very publicly challenged her, on a support website, when some of the things she’d posted weren’t exactly the truth. I told her that I had to get to a point where I was ready to forgive her, and not from a point of view of “I’ll forgive you, if you forgive me!” – no.

I don’t need her forgiveness. But at that stage, I did need her to acknowledge what she had done, and the lies she had told, in court, and I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to do so. We had many good emails, back and forth, between us, but sadly, I soon came to realise that no matter how often I mentioned why I was angry, she wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was talking about it, much less whether I had any right to be angry with her or not. When she later heard that Cris had made contact with me, she ended her contact, saying “My conscience is clear!” and I have no doubt that it is.

A little while ago, I realised that not only did I have to forgive myself, but I had to forgive people like her, who – for reasons that only they will know (because even I am a little at a loss here, with her actions!) can strike out and hurt you so viciously. It was hard to do, because I had to release to much anger, along with this thought process. But I did it, and I forgave her.  She has no right to be included in my life anymore and that includes having access to my emotions, my anger, my sentiments – so I forgave her, and bid her farewell, forever.

I truly believe her conscience is clear, and that’s fine – I do not wish her harm, or any ill will. I also no longer need her to confess to her lies. We’re done. She’s gone.

Today, as I was scanning through Facebook, I saw this posting, which expressed exactly what this part of the journey is all about. It’s part of a series and the fact that it is number 288, and I found it on my 288th clean day makes it all the more worth sharing.

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© Dave Luis 2013. All Rights Reserved.

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4 Comments

  1. I don’t know the situation, but every perspective is different. It is possible that the things she said that were lies to you were total truth to her. Different perspectives, different forms of ‘truth’. Kind of like the blind guys with the elephant.

    1. I have tried to look at this from every perspective: from ours, from hers, from the people that were just spectators – unfortunately the vast amount of drugs will mean that it’s very possible she was detached from reality, and she may believe some of what she said to be the truth – but – and again, I don’t want to go down the whole sordid list, there was a very mean, nasty, vicious streak – a vengeance that it seemed to me she was seeking. And that led to blatant lies in a court case between her and her ex, which was dirty, and spilled over into my life. THAT was what made me mad.

      1. Some people are just plain mean, and some of them just don’t see it in themselves. Drugs might make that worse. Court cases are rarely fun things to go through, so I’m sorry that it was such a painful crappy time.

      2. Yeah, it was really a dark time. I tried to see how my actions had made it OK for this to happen to me, but thanks to my sponsor, I came to the same conclusion as you – sometimes, people are just mean and vindictive, and you juts happen to be in their way. It was a bitter pill to swallow, because you have NO control over it – you have NO control over how they treat you – it has nothing to do with your own personality or behaviour, so nothing you do can stop, change or otherwise make this a less unpleasant event in your life. And THEN the anger sets in: WHO are these people, and how DARE they treat you like this. That anger is poison (it still raises its ugly head now and then!) and it took a LOT of positive thought and letting go, to actually forgive, despite me not understanding what the reasons were, and to let the issue die, without feeling like I needed to be avenged.

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