Some days

Some days...
Some days...
Some days…

Some days the triggers are small. But they are there – a thoughtless remark, someone interrupting with an infantile giggle while I am trying to get a message across, disregard for the effort it takes to pull off a project – things that make me feel small, inconsequential, surplus to requirements.

Some days the rage fires up, because of these things – these trivial asides that on any other day are light-hearted intersections in my day.

Some days I fight not to say the things I feel when that rage fires up.

Some days you make me so mad, I feel like striking out at you and yelling at you “Shut up! Shut the fuck up, and listen to me! Stop dismissing me like I am just a noise in your head!

Some days you make me feel really small.

Some days…

Some days I just want to stare down a long white line of powdery disaffection and forget you exist; that I exist…that I feel.

Some days are not like other days.

Still…

Some days are not every day.

And I will not be beaten by them. So I confess. I confess…that…

Some days I really feel what it’s like to feel, and to fight the urge to get lost in the drugs and the chaos.

Some days are like today. When all of this is true, but still…

Some days will try and beat me.

But they can’t.

Not now. Not ever. Because through the irritation and the rage and the anger, I want to feel some days like this, so that I know what a good day feels like; it doesn’t feel like this.

I want to feel. Some days.

© Dave Luis 2014. All Rights Reserved.

9 Comments

  1. Just remember…Some days you’re not alone. We all have day like that and although our vices may not be yours, we all have days where we’d rather get lost than face the reality of everyday life.

    1. Cheers, Vicki! There’s power in confessing that some days we all need a helping hand, and a gentler touch from the world. By confessing these difficult days, I am (so far) able to dismantle the hold drugs have on me.
      Some days it’s good to know I am not alone. 🙂

  2. I can relate so well to this entry, to knowing this feeling. To wanting to just rage and not the ugly rage just the I want to be heard rage.

    So this is normal, this is feeling, this is not hiding about the illusion of magic and white powder and smoke. This is not hiding behind the haze, only to wake up and take more so you can try and forget again.

    Therefore this can be overcome and just swallowed like a bitter pill. You my friend have more hands and shoulders which will assist you and remind you about the awesome you are. About the value you bring to their lives. One aspect of your life does not your life make – remember the value of true things and the greater picture.

    Some days you have to be reminder that this is not your alpha and omega, it does not define you. Some days you have to reminded that you are loved, valued and treasured… Never days will be when you are truly and really alone.

  3. Dave, what a relief to read about your struggles and the wisdom of your friends… I have had to urge just to rage and rage and rage, and I started to worry about what was happening inside. Now I will gather myself, knowing that I will overcome, I will conquer, and move on.

    Thank you for sharing; I love you, my friend

  4. I don’t have the urge for chemical substances…mine is just wanting to hide from the world and be with myself. It doesn’t happen often…but some days the “having to go out there and put a smile on my face and interact” is overwhelming. It doesn’t compare with your hurdles and you are a champion for acknowledging them and getting over them! A star…

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