Crave

It’s 01:29am. All I can think about is smoking meth – rolling the bulb in the flame until the crystals liquify, boil and the roiling vapours pour up the pipe into my lungs. Involuntarily I draw in air like I am sucking on that meth pipe, recalling the cool, smooth fumes that push my lungs outward, to breaking point.

It’s 01:35, now, and it’s too late at night to pick up the phone. I know my sponsor and my friends will be angry that I said that, but it’s ok. It’s ok. Look, I only need to call them to confess my craving. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand. I’ve got this. I’m ok.

It was just a moment in time. I’ve been clean long enough to know I will still be clean in an hour, a day, a year…and I haven’t been clean so long that I’ve forgotten the terrible, beguiling, seductive power of meth.

God, I’d kill for a gram, right now.

God…just one hit…

God…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace. Silence. Memories. Cravings. Turmoil. Repeat repeat repeat ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

© Dave Luis 2014. All Rights Reserved.

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13 Comments

  1. stay strong i know that horrible craving feeling :/ i could imagine myself dropping a bar in my mouth and just having the taste of it going down my throat . I think about how much i miss the feeling of when you know its starting to take effect so relaxed so careless nothing matters. Its just me myself in a world that no longer matters to me… ive been sober for 6 months now and hoping to make it another second another day just like you said I really loved those words .

    1. Thanks for dropping by and sharing. It’s good to know that even though half a world separates us, the pain and fear of craving unites us in our daily – sometimes hourly battle to beat addiction. Stay strong – here’s to your next 6 months of sobriety! Respect!

  2. Your strength is in recognizing the power of addition, but knowing that it is to be avoided. You know that one hit undoes everything you have worked so hard to recover from…..recovery is ongoing…..stay strong and focused on what is right. Keep the faith brother!

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