Shimmy: (noun)
1. an American ragtime dance marked by shaking of the hips and shoulders.
2. excessive wobbling in the front wheels of a motor vehicle.

A third definition presents itself once you’ve visited “South Africa’s Premier Beach Club And Restaurant” at the V&A Waterfront:

3. To be ripped off in the presence of spoiled rich white kids.

Ryan, James and I were excited to see Goldfish play live at Shimmy. We shelled out R250 each for VIP tickets and then stood in the baking hot sun for an hour past the opening time because…well, no excuses, because poor time management and organisation by the venue. Plain and simple. So, not a great start.

Once we were in, we found a table and had a fair meal of two pizzas, three bottles of water, a couple of sodas and a vodka and Red Bull. That was R500.

Having been relieved of R1250 collectively by this stage, there was a lot of pressure on the DJs and Goldfish to deliver the goods. The DJ was OK. Goldfish was amazing – they really are crowd pleasers and gave a phenomenally energetic performance.

But it wasn’t enough. Because despite the gorgeous venue and great act, you had to contend with the very worst kind of Capetonian: the spoilt rich white child. You know the type – poseurs to a man. They strut and cock their heads just so. They are incapable of going more than three words without interjecting “Bro!” or if they’re properly local, “Bru!” They pop their collars and pump their guns and peer myopically at you through their premium brand of shades. At sunset. And after sunset. Because it’s cool to wear shades at the club at night, bro. Like it’s the ’90s and they’ve all been popping pills and staring into strobe lights.

And the girls. Dear GOD the girls! Drink-addled giggling idiots, who shriek and scream every time they see a mate from the mall. Or hear a song they recognise. Or remember to take a breath. It’s difficult to reconcile these howling dervishes with any sort of intelligent young woman you meet outside of Shimmy – do these morph into wailing waifs as soon as they step through Shimmy’s imposing portico? They yell and stumble drunkenly, waving their cigarettes in your face, while the bros pose and prey. It is vile.

Do you know what Shimmy is? Shimmy is the very pricy, affected, white privileged stereotype that the rest of South Africa thinks Cape Town’s southern suburbs are. Live, and in the flesh. And not even the amazing Goldfish can make me want set foot in there again.

© Dave Luis 2014. All Rights Reserved.

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4 thoughts on “Shimmy? Thanks, but no.

  1. Hilarious!!! Perhaps we have to admit, that we are getting old and no longer have the patients for young people acting like idiots, just like we once did?

  2. Sadly we were those kids before, even if not to this bratty extend ! Thank heavens one grows up, and realize social status is not a vital food source … Having been there for dinner, I experienced very poor service and exorbitant prices. But as you rightly said, “pill-popping” kids won’t notice that as daddy foots the bill.

    1. Well, this is the thing. We were these people before – but things like the shrieking and the shoving on the dance floor – that’s something new and very irritating. Ruins my ability to tolerate drunk people.

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