Our malls are under attack. Not from some terrorist organisation with an anti-capitalist ideology. Not from criminals. From wives.

Yup. Wives – or ‘Wimmin Intent on Vexing Everyone’s Sanity’ – who drag their menfolk to large retail malls every weekend.

These men are not mall-trained, and the bright lights and endless selection of fat-free, low fat and banting-friendly cereals clearly frightens them. These are men who do not understand a sale. Or that while you buy your meat at Woolworths, you should definitely only buy your toilet paper at Pick n Pay, and your cheeses at Checkers.

The husbands – a.k.a. ‘lost farts’ – wander around the aisles in a dazed state, unable to keep up with or in extreme cases even find their wives, who have Olympian stamina when it comes to shopping.

The problem is a serious one as professional solo shoppers, like gay men, and women who know that a man’s place is cowering in the car in the parking lot, are trapped in a stagnant trolley-filled agglomeration, unable to reach the salmon or the good breadsticks. Some cases are so bad that the professional solo shoppers have reported being so overwrought by a red cloud of trolley rage that they have picked up government-issue toaster bread instead of the gluten-free artisanal olive loaf.

Drama!

Despite several public service announcements being broadcast by myself across the Twitterverse, the scourge persists. Wives just don’t want to take selfless advice.

The upshot – or rather the downshot – of these lost farts who are not mall-trained slowing down the the whole retail process is that the solo professional shoppers are now shopping online. And this spells disaster for malls, as anchor tenants like Woolworths, Pick n Pay and Checkers (The Big Three) will shut up shop, opting for the online warehouse business model favoured by Amazon. The knock-on effects are devastating, as parasite retail outlets like boutique clothing and shoe stores, biltong boxes and The Mugg and Bean who do not have enough commercial pull of their own and therefore rely on the Big Three to draw in their potential clientele will be forced into bankruptcy and closure, as more and more people opt to click and shop online, rather than deal with daft men blocking the aisles.

Something Must Be Done!

© Dave Luis 2015. All Rights Reserved.

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6 thoughts on “Are Wives a Threat to Malls?

  1. I really enjoyed this article and can 100% relate to the bad behaviour of the untrained mall hubby as I am married to a significant other who is just totally challenged when it comes to a mall. And after 21 years of marriage (and regular training sessions at the mall) I now refuse to take him on any of my mall excursions – the pain I have to endure afterwards and during the ordeal is just too much for my own inner-self to handle. Can’t agree more with the sentiments expressed in the article!

    Willie

  2. Too cute! Luckily it’s my husband dragging me through malls, as I had my share with my career. But fantastic, I totally saw this all the time as a shop girl! 🙂 Such wit, the most entertaining thing I’ve read all night!

  3. Brilliant Dave!!!! I fear, although I am female, that I am much more like the untrained mall hubby!! Hate shopping and always get flustered and in the way of the trained specialists! Need some serious help when it comes to manoeuvring the malls over busy seasons!

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