Isolation. Locking myself away from the world when really all I want to do is lock myself away from myself, from the ceaseless, unrelenting awareness of being.
My mind never stops turning over – running through conversations, events, memories, resentments, choices, decisions to be made, unfinished business, things to done, bills to be paid, money to made, emotions, reactions, sensitivities and insecurities. It NEVER ends!
Even when I sleep, my dreams are ugly collages of life and its alternate branches. No longer can music or hypnosis apps keep out the relentless machine of consciousness.
I am so tired. I am so tired of the inner monologue running at me with knives, and I no longer care that it might be dissolving my sanity. I am fast approaching a frenetic catatonia, as each day I lose more and more of what little serenity I had grappled for myself in the last three years.
I cannot switch off, and this unrelenting consciousness is breaking me. Worse still, with the knowledge of sobriety that I now have, there is no salvation in the miasma of pills and powders that were such powerful disconnectors when I needed them to be. No alcoholic balm to drown in. No merciful lines to kill my heart’s frantic anguish.
Just the silence of solitude, and deafening roar of being.
It’s killing me.
© Dave Luis 2015. All Rights Reserved.