Yesterday I felt I was fast approaching my breaking point. I wrote it out, pouring my chaos onto the page, letting it out into the world. 

I was in two minds about publishing the piece because I want to be certain that when I write something it is about my progress, about finding a way forward. Not a whiny, self-pitying post to manipulate care and concern from my blog readers. I am always on my guard against writing posts like that. I have seen such posts pop up in my blog reader from time to time, and it always betrays the message and the writing style. I don’t feel that that is a great way to ask for help.

But I was not asking for help, see. I was confessing my mental state, because confessing it disarms it, robs it of much of its power. It is the principal way that I control my chemical cravings, when they occasionally arise. I confess these cravings to my sponsor and close friends and the intensity of the craving dissipates. It works like a charm. And that was the intention of my post, see. Self-moderation.

Life doesn’t always work out like that, and where I had written a close-ended confessional, many people read a cry for help. Comments, tweets and WhatsApp messages flooded in from around the world, offering advice, a shoulder to cry on, a walk up the mountain and invitations to lunch. 

I have learned over the last three years never to shun the offer of help when it comes. I am extremely grateful for all your messages. In that moment when I felt most alone in my personal chaos, you all reached out and made sure I was OK.

Mandy suggested grounding; that I go down to the beach and put my bare feet on the sand and just…breathed. Grumbling, I decided to go. En route I was definitely not feeling it. I parked the car and sat for a few moments before deciding that yes, fine, I would put my damned feet on the damned sand. 

It was windy on that empty beach and as I stepped off the pavement and into the sand, I let out an involuntary sigh of relief. It felt like a huge weight was suddenly was ripped out of my gut. 

I spent much longer on the beach than I intended to. I went back again yesterday afternoon. The waves and the gulls drowned out the chaos – not completely, and not for long, but just enough for the anxiety and disquiet to sublimate, and for that choking feeling to disappear. 

Yesterday was a powerful reminder why I am doing this healing journey so publicly. Because it means I am not doing it alone – and I have all of YOU helping me carry the load. 

Thank you. 

© Dave Luis 2015. All Rights Reserved.

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13 thoughts on “Thank You.

  1. I think we all recognize a piece of ourselves in you and your pain and your confusion. In some way or another we have all been there, and because we love you when you suffer we suffer.
    You are never alone. We all want love and acceptance. We are together every step of the way💙💙💙

  2. great stuff, Dave, thank you for sharing [as i’m sure even this share is helping others going through similar vibes] and really great to hear how you have support from all over the world – that must feel good… great idea, Mandy…

    keep on
    love brett fish

    1. Thanks Brett. I know some folk call out the digital compassion as shallow and fake but it has been intensely powerful and supportive for me. I am really grateful for it.

      1. oh no absolutely, especially as for some people who can’t be physically present it is the best way they have at hand – i have made some incredible friends online and while face to face i think always trumps online, i don’t take those for granted at all…

  3. I am constantly amazed by the power of the ocean…

    I am really glad that so many people reached out to you. Perhaps, the next time you go walk on the beach, let me know and I will head down to our beach and walk alongside you, in my thoughts, each step in the grainy sand, reaching out to you and letting you know that you are not alone “Bloggsy Malone” 🙂

    1. Thank you for this. The ocean is a powerful moderator and pacifier. I will let you know when I am back out on the beach – it will probably be today, around 4.

  4. Reading ‘Breaking Point’ yesterday (a few times) I was so overwhelmed with emotion as I could relate to some of the feelings although it’s nowhere close to your struggle. You also reminded me of my all time favorite poem The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and I’m inspired. Keep on writing and doing what you’re doing because there are so many that can draw courage and strength from your words.

    1. Thank you for this! Knowing that the words I write out of these confused moments reaches other people is a huge part of why I do this so publicly.

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