Yesterday I felt I was fast approaching my breaking point. I wrote it out, pouring my chaos onto the page, letting it out into the world.
I was in two minds about publishing the piece because I want to be certain that when I write something it is about my progress, about finding a way forward. Not a whiny, self-pitying post to manipulate care and concern from my blog readers. I am always on my guard against writing posts like that. I have seen such posts pop up in my blog reader from time to time, and it always betrays the message and the writing style. I don’t feel that that is a great way to ask for help.
But I was not asking for help, see. I was confessing my mental state, because confessing it disarms it, robs it of much of its power. It is the principal way that I control my chemical cravings, when they occasionally arise. I confess these cravings to my sponsor and close friends and the intensity of the craving dissipates. It works like a charm. And that was the intention of my post, see. Self-moderation.
Life doesn’t always work out like that, and where I had written a close-ended confessional, many people read a cry for help. Comments, tweets and WhatsApp messages flooded in from around the world, offering advice, a shoulder to cry on, a walk up the mountain and invitations to lunch.
I have learned over the last three years never to shun the offer of help when it comes. I am extremely grateful for all your messages. In that moment when I felt most alone in my personal chaos, you all reached out and made sure I was OK.
Mandy suggested grounding; that I go down to the beach and put my bare feet on the sand and just…breathed. Grumbling, I decided to go. En route I was definitely not feeling it. I parked the car and sat for a few moments before deciding that yes, fine, I would put my damned feet on the damned sand.
It was windy on that empty beach and as I stepped off the pavement and into the sand, I let out an involuntary sigh of relief. It felt like a huge weight was suddenly was ripped out of my gut.
I spent much longer on the beach than I intended to. I went back again yesterday afternoon. The waves and the gulls drowned out the chaos – not completely, and not for long, but just enough for the anxiety and disquiet to sublimate, and for that choking feeling to disappear.
Yesterday was a powerful reminder why I am doing this healing journey so publicly. Because it means I am not doing it alone – and I have all of YOU helping me carry the load.
© Dave Luis 2015. All Rights Reserved.