Was that a sound, or…was that a sound stopping? Something. It was something. What was it…? It’s difficult to focus. My eyes won’t focus on…what? Nothing? Darkness?
Wait a moment…just…let me think. I’m on my bed. It’s dark.
God! I need water – why is my mouth so dry…?
I try sit up but I convulse and fall back on the pillow.
Deep breaths. Ceiling. “Cris!” I croak, my voice thick and hoarse. “CRIS!” Nothing. There’s no answer. He must be asleep – why am I panicking? Just breathe!
Deep breath in. Ceiling. Pillows. Bed. I roll onto my side. Minutes tick by. Seconds. Seconds tick by. Which is it? Can I hear a clock somewhere? Why is it so loud? Whomp-whomp-whomp-whomp in my ears. Is that my pulse.
Oblivion. How much time has passed? What is the time? God! I need water – why is my mouth so dry…wait…did I not just ask this question in the whomp-dark-whomp-whomp…?
A faint grey light outlines a square. I can’t tell if it’s far away or really close. My head is full of fog. Thoughts come slowly; echo and twist and are gone. Words. Panic. Cris. Panic. Light. Whomp-whomp-whomp-whomp-whomp.
Focus. The square of light. That is the window – hold on to that thought. Window. Light. Window. Light. Window. Light. I can make out the carpet below the curtains. Ok. Breathe. I don’t need to panic. Don’t need to call Cris from his room. I’m ok. My mouth is dry but I am ok Jesus! What did I do last night…? Why can’t I remember? How strong was the stuff? How much did I take…?
Take…how much…take…thoughts… coalesce. Slow…ly…shit! Fuck! Wait… breathe…take. How much did I take? Whomp.
Take. A look.
On the floor.
A white tube.
White tube. Empty bottle. Pills. Take. I took-whomp-pills-whomp-sleeping pills-whomp-I took sleeping pills-whomp-whomp-whomp-pills.
I roll back onto my back. Deep breath. Heart pounding-whomp-whomp-in my ears.
I’m alive GODDAMMIT! WHY THE FUCK AM I ALIVE?!
More light crawls up the walls, drowning me in conciousness. Dawn light forces the ceiling into focus – forces my mind into slow, sharp focus – so it failed. I failed. One hundred and twenty sleeping pills…and I am alive!
© Dave Luis 2015. All Rights Reserved.
‘Revelations At Dawn’ is part is a series of tandem blogs where a group of bloggers write independent posts using the same title. Share the love by reading, commenting and sharing our posts:
NOTE: This post is based on a true story. Suicide is not selfish; it is the last, desperate lonely act of a soul who can’t see the way up into the light. There is always a way out – always! If you are suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, there is someone who can help, someone who doesn’t judge and who will help you face that moment and pull through. Call LifeLine on 0861 322 322.