I’ve been wanted to say this…to say something…for a long while, now.

Gareth. Kirstin. 

Guys. It’s been how many years, now? One? Two? More…?

I don’t remember how long since those phone calls. I can never forget – though I try – those moments when horror crystalised around words I hope I never have to hear again.

We didn’t know. 

We never suspected. 

How could we? Why would we ever think such tragedy was rising up in you both, and so soon after each other?

“Too much for you.” Jesus. Four little words. One mediocre euphemism. Two brutal suicides.

Too much for you. 

I’ve been wanting to write this to both of you, a piece each, since I heard.

But the words, like my tears, never came.

God, I miss you. Why did we stop talking in those years before? Why did we stop connecting? 

It’s just…. Painful. Brutal. Agony. And incomprehensible. And talking about it reveals it all over again. 

Why? What pushed you so far?

“Too much for you.” I guess we’ll always wonder how we missed it. 

No words left behind could ever make us really understand. No argument, breakup, sadness, depression or loss could be that bad, surely? I mean – we were all there, we were all still there. Knowing you. Loving you. Supporting you. Even though the years brought distance and disconnection…we were still there

…weren’t we…? 

We can never know. And we’ll never understand. But we’ll always love you, and we’ll always remember you, even when those memories haunt us with the realization that in the final moments, it all went wrong, and life was just too much for you. 

Rest in peace, my friends.

© Dave Luis 2016. All Rights Reserved. 

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There is help if you are suffering from depression. There is someone who cares, and who will help carry your burden. Contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group.

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This post is written in loving but painful memory of Kirstin Schubach and Gareth Williams. Good men gone too soon. 

This is part of a series of tandem blogs written each week by seven bloggers. This week’s title, “Too Much For You.” opened the floodgate of a very personal, painful tragedy that I have been wanting to write about since we lost Kirstin and Gareth a couple of years ago. 

I am grateful to finally get these words, incoherent as they may be at times, out of my heart and into the world.

Please read Candice D’arcy’s take on “Too Much For You” – here’s hoping it is a gentler read. 

Header image © Greg Ortega at Unsplash 

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10 thoughts on “Too Much For You

  1. My brother left us 5 years ago. Completely out of the blue. No rhyme nor reason. I wont say it ever gets easier but there are easier days. I have to think, that wherever they are they are in a better place, anything has to be better than the agony they must have felt before making this decision. Huge huge hugs for you!!!!

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