In my head a battle rages between myself and the people I love.
I react to things I imagine they say, things I imagine they think – and I hand over all my power to them based on unreal conversations and opinions.
When I read what I’ve written here, it seems completely crazy. Completely. Yet day in and day out, I’m reeling in agony over silences that carry more weight than they should.
Some days I am in turmoil over things said on social media. Not to me, yet the content of the messages seem so specific, so focused, I erupt in a rage and mentally threaten to block, write them out my will, and burn their village down.
I guess I should reach out in those silences and say, “Hey, are we ok?” but that sounds so stupid and reveals all the insecurities I feel (am I worth loving? Have I done something wrong?)
I am convinced I’ll end up ruining relations (why don’t I have faith in them? Why do I think they are so fragile?)
Let’s face it – 99.9% of the time silences exist because people are busy living their lives. The silences are not about me. And yet I make them all about me.
So I isolate. Which makes it worse. I have to wonder, am I slowly driving myself mad?
©️Dave Luis 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Image by Gabriel Matula at unsplash