Bless You, Don’t Worry

Gone 31 years today and to be honest this day feels just like any other. So that’s good, right? I don’t relive the horror of the morning you died and our world ended.

That’s dramatic. Our world didn’t end, I just thought it did because I thought you were my world.

Dad, sometimes you feel like a distant memory. I can’t remember you. I can’t feel you in my heart.

And then I have moments where I close my eyes and I am that little three-year-old boy resting his head in your lap as you read Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories to me. Old Spice clings to you like I wish I still could.

Why did you leave? I don’t understand the lesson I’m s’posed to learn from your death. It feels like one hell of a lesson to have asked a boy of 13 to learn.

I’m 44 now, and I still think growing up without you is a shit deal, Dad. What is our soul contract? What did we decide before we came to this life, that was best served by you being ripped away from me in the middle of the night? I think we got it wrong, whatever that was. I know we got wrong.

Will you come back now, please, Dad? I really need you.

Dad…? Are you there?

Dad?

©️ Dave Luis 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 Comments

  1. Hey Dave,

    Aisha here. I am so sorry to read about the death of your father. It is truly hard to lose someone close to you, regardless of how long it has been that they passed away. Your blog post reminded me about the love I have for my grandmother. I really truly loved her and miss her to date, even though it has been more than 15 years now. Physical disconnect cannot come in between the soul connect. You are always connected with loved ones, even if they have passed on in to the hereafter.

    The way you ended your blog post really touched me and it made me envision a lost boy looking out for his parents in a public space, calling out his dad by name and screaming dad dad. I know it doesn’t get easier, you just have to live with it, but with time, you do heal and move on with the person’s memories in your mind. Whenever you feel down about your father, think about the good memories you remember of him and then smile.

    Yes he was in your life for only a short while, but at least you have some recollection of him – beautifully put about the Old Spice cologne etc. Remember those beautiful memories and cherish them forever. I bet dad is looking down at his son and beaming.

    1. Thank you so much for this.

      That ending is like so many of the dreams – nightmares? – I have where he is still alive and we are in a busy marketplace (just like you describe) and we get separated and I can’t find him again. In my dreams people try tell me he never existed and I am overwhelmed with frantic anxiety explaining that no, he was *just* here – can’t you see him? Can’t you feel his love?

      These dreams are torture, and waking to the reality of him gone is no easier.

      For a long time my emotional survival depending on me not thinking about him, not remembering him, except to be angry with him for dying (that childish entitlement to be angered at events beyond the control of people)

      It gets easier to roll with.

  2. You don’t have to thank me, it really touched me, and such a topic always gets to me. It warranted a kind reply. 🙂

    I can understand, I could get that vibe from the blog post, hence why I mentioned a little boy getting lost etc. It is overwhelming to even see such dreams. It definitely gets easier as you go. Hang in there.

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