My journal is full. My notebook too. Things for The Book and things about life. There are a million words I want to vomit out, to evict them and the feelings they encompass.
I haven’t felt this defensive about things in a long time. ‘Things’. Neat way to sidestep the myriad of little niggles and grievances and points to work on.
I also haven’t felt this good about myself in an even longer time. Like I am breaking out of an old skin that doesn’t fit, a life and attitude that doesn’t serve me any longer.
There is a shift coming, a big one, and it’s time to gather my thoughts, and everything I have learned over the last seven and half years and figure out how to let go. Because in all those many words that I want to expel, goodbye is one I’ll repeat often.
Perhaps my confidante is right that my shadow angel is Zadkiel, the bearer of healing from suffering. His path is the letting go from torment and self-harm but can only do so after understanding it.
The epiphany I’ve had today is that so much of what I have gathered around me in the past seven years is just another form of self-harm, and that includes some of the humans who have been such a support for so long.
Family. Friends. A bond is not for life, and blood does not obligate me to you. And while on the one hand I am exceptionally good at what current trends call cancel culture – cutting people off completely – I am just as much a world champ at holding on to relationships that are shitty and hurtful and leave me feeling hurt, abandoned, used and invisible.
Of course this post is one that really belongs in my journal, offline and personal. Boundaries and all that. But I have been neglecting my space online, my blog. And all the writing I have been doing offline has got me hungry again to fill this space. I’ve been wanting to write here for a while and all this recent reflection has made me really think about what bloggsymalone.com is all about – because it’s become diluted over the years. I’ve come to feel silenced, too, on this blog. Responses from family members and close friends have been rough to take on board; as a result I have been too afraid to write anything personal online.
That needs to change.
This space started out as a site called Healing Me, to track my journey of recovery from addiction. That journey has morphed over the years and the message – certainly on my blog – has gotten lost.
So I’ll be at it again, here. Writing up my thoughts and feelings, holding back the truly personal recovery stuff that is, well, personal – the work in critical progress.
And yes, I am writing a book. It may never see the light of day, but it is an exercise in introspection that no therapy has ever given me. Ever. And a lot of it hurts like hell, triggering a need to protect myself from all the feelings I refused to feel for most of my life. And often still do.
The most important thing I am learning in this process is to trust myself more. To listen to myself more. That sometimes no response is the best response and that I don’t have to justify myself or excuse myself and apologise for being me.
Today, my affirmation is simply this: all is well with me, and I will be well.
© Dave Luis 2019. All Rights Reserved.