It’s 5am on Saturday and I can’t sleep. No surprise really, since I haven’t left my bed since I returned home at midnight on Thursday. I pretty much slept for most of Friday.
I can’t sleep because aside from having had too much sleep, I’ve isolated. Been alone in my head for too many hours. This is never a good thing. I tend to wallow in self-doubt and the more morose types of ‘What if?’ thinking.
This time, though, I’ve been lost in big-picture thinking, having watched the documentary ‘The Most Unknown’ featuring scientists from nine different disciplines meeting each other for the first time to find connection in what they study, from microbial slime to the carbon monoxide signature of newly-formed stars.
In this documentary one of the scientists dropped a line that immediately got my Spidy senses tingling. They said they believed humans became smarter the more experiences they had.
Immediately my insecurities kicked off. Does my lack of wanderlust mean I’m doomed to be left behind in an ever-evolving, always-learning world?
I’m increasingly becoming more hermit-like. My family complains about me locking myself away in my room for days at a time. Socializing – actually going out to engage with other humans – is becoming more and more of a challenge for me. Even with friends that I’ve known forever, people I love. I really have to psych myself up to leave home. Same goes for going to work. This drive to be alone at all times naturally limits new experiences save for those I witness second hand via a social media feed. Does this mean I am dumbing myself down even further?
See, why this all kicked off in my head now is because recently I’ve had the opportunity to get out and interact more with Dubai’s social scene – and once I’ve gotten over that first feeling of fear and not wanting to leave the house, I’ve had really good, fun times. More importantly, I’ve not had as much time to get lost in my head, and I’ve also noticed that when my mood dips, the downs are far more moderate and short-lived.
So now I am thinking, asking myself – is engaging with other people, doing new things, a possible palliative for depression and other mental health issues? Not that I’ve been diagnosed with anything but then again I’ve not sought out diagnosis for such conditions. I did therapy, I’m done with therapy. It wasn’t working for my addiction recovery and food compulsions.
But I do think that when I isolate for protracted periods, some sort of aberration is waiting in the wings to manifest itself. So now, not only am I concerned that locking myself away means that I am crippling myself in terms of social progress and intelligence, it’s also likely to bring about some dire schism, something that separates me from the herd in a negative, destructive way – some way that means I will wither away and die a mad, gibbering lunatic.
This is where my head is at, at 5:45am.
Consumed by thoughts of how I continue to fail myself, sabotage myself.
They will linger for a while before some other dystopian distractions displace them.
Am I concerned enough to do something about it?
No. I mean – I wrote this post, didn’t I?
Isn’t that enough?
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